Sunday morning, 5/27: I was, at this point, 25 weeks, 3 days
pregnant. My husband and I were four hours from our home
visiting my parents. I woke up that morning to constant lower
back pain that wrapped all the way around my stomach. I've
had lower back pain throughout my pregnancy, but this felt
somehow different, not to mention it wouldn't go away. I was
confused and didn't know what to make of it, but I went to
church and throughout the majority of it I had to sit down.
For the next few hours I was feeling sharp pain in my
stomach, off and on, sometimes to the point of causing tears.
I started to wonder whether it might be contractions, but my
stomach wasn't getting any harder, as I heard would happen
with contractions. I told my mom about it and she told me I
should call a nurse at our hospital back home, so I did, and
she told me I really needed to get to a hospital.
My husband, my mom, and I then went to the small hospital in
their town, at about 1:30 in the afternoon. After I was
checked in they took me to get an ultrasound and check my
cervix, and sure enough, I was 3 cm dilated. Thankfully baby (we hadn't found out the gender)
was alright, although it was in the breech position. They got
me into a bed in my room and attached something to me that
followed the baby's heartbeat (perfect at about 150-160), and
something that followed my contractions. Annoyingly enough,
the machine didn't tend to pick up my contractions, so it
seemed as though they didn't believe me when I said they were
going on. Eventually they started picking up on the machine,
but not every time. The doctor checked my cervix again, and
it was still at 3 cm. They ended up putting in a catheter
because I would eventually need one in if I was going to get
a C section, and because they didn't want me getting up to
use the bathroom while I was on the different medications.
The doctor said that I needed to get transferred up to Madison
because I was so early and they weren't equipped to care for
a baby at such an early stage. My doctor ended up trying to
figure out the best route. Medflight was hopefully going to
transfer us, but they ended up saying they wouldn't because
of the risk of me having the baby in the air. Then there was
talk of delivering the baby there, and having a "NICU unit on
wheels" right there to take the baby back up to Madison, and
I would follow the next day. That didn't happen either.
Finally it was decided that I would just go in an ambulance.
At around 12:30 that night I was finally on my way up to
Madison. Definitely not fun. I felt the catheter with every
movement, as well as the contractions, and I was hungry and
scared, but thankfully my doctor was funny and made me feel
comfortable, the same with my nurse, so that helped me relax
a bit and stay calm.
I got settled in to my new room, and they continued giving me
steroid shots for the baby's lungs, and ended up putting me
on magnesium for my contractions. Oh my goodness. Those next
couple of days were some of the worst days of my life. My
whole body ended up going into an almost paralyzed state. I
could just BARELY move my legs, arms, etc., which ended up
getting worse the longer I was on it. Eventually, if I was
being re-positioned by someone, my neck couldn't support my
head. If I got uncomfortable in a position I would need 2 or
3 people to help get me into a different position. I remember
trying to lift my leg and maybe getting it an inch off the
bed before I had to drop it. Even talking got difficult to
do, I talked slower, I slurred my speech. I kept having panic
attacks while on the magnesium. They also limited my water
intake to 1/5 of a cup of water or ice chips an hour, and no
food.
I was still having the contractions, although it varied in
times. Sometimes they would be around 15 minutes apart, other
times they would be coming every 4 minutes. I remember
getting so frustrated with the doctors because I was still
having those contrations, yet they still kept me on the
magnesium. Not really that rational, but I wasn't really in
the best state of mind!
At some point, not sure when, they checked to see if my water
had broken yet, and it had, but slowly, not a big burst or
anything, but a trickle.
Jon and my mom updated facebook those four days, and so many
people were praying for us all. It was so comforting to know
how many people cared. Friends and family from all around the
world were praying, as well as a number of monastaries. At
one point I checked my sister Rennie's update, and was
looking at the comments from people. One person said that she
would be praying to St. Anna for us, and it struck me....if
we had a girl, we'd be naming her Annalucia. We hadn't found
out the gender of the baby, and we also hadn't told many
people we liked the name Annalucia. So when I saw that
comment it just seemed like a sign.
The hours ticked by slowly. I was anxiously awaiting 3 am,
wednesday morning, when they would finally stop the
magnesium. They could only keep me on it for so long. Well,
the time came, and they took me off it. Sadly it still was
going to take a few hours for my body and mind to go back to
normal. They also put me on another oral pill to try to stop
the contractions, which would hopefully work after the
magnesium wore off. It didn't work. Throughout the wednesday
morning AM I had contractions often. I so badly wanted to
sleep so I could get my mind off everything, and hopefully
wake up feeling like myself again. No can do. I really hadn't
been able to sleep all week, that morning was no exception.
Liz, my sister in law and one of my best friends, stayed up
with me all night to hold my hand while each contraction
happened. She also kept her laptop right by the bed so I
could listen to the music from Gladiator, like I requested.
I'm still so appreciative and thankful that she was so
wonderful and supportive.
I kept letting the nurses know that the contractions were
frequent and getting worse, but they didn't seem to want to
do much. They also didn't want to check my cervix because
that might quicken labor. Probably around 6 am though, I was
feeling pressure down below, like something had changed. They
checked my cervix, and I had dilated up to 5 cm. They left
me alone for a little bit, then around 7:30 they checked me
again, and I had dialated even more. I remember being super
out of it at this point, maybe I had finally fallen asleep,
I'm not sure, but all of a sudden the room was full of
doctors and nurses, and they were telling me they needed to
take me to surgery for an emergency c section. This is around
the point that Jon woke up. He was still groggy from sleep,
and wasn't even quite sure what was happening. They quickly
transferred me to a different bed and started wheeling me
away. I asked if Jon could come with, but they told me no,
since I'd be under General Anesthesia. I'd never been put
under before, so that was pretty frightening. I held Jon's
hand as we were going down the hall, but at one point we had
to say goodbye. The nurses and doctors were really friendly,
and kept reassuring me that everything would be alright. I
even asked if I would for sure wake up.
Next thing I knew I woke up in a small room in a lot of
pain. There was a nurse in there with me who was trying to
control the pain, but it ended up taking about two hours to
do. Soon after I woke up I asked for Jon, and he came back
and I asked him if we had a boy or girl. Sure enough, a girl!
Our little Annalucia.
They brought me to my new room and I saw a lot of family,
although I really don't remember all too clearly. My first
look at Annalucia was a picture the nurses had taken. It
really had not hit me yet that I had a daughter, that this
picture was my baby. It seemed to take forever, but I was
finally able to go up and see her. It was amazing seeing her
little body in that incubator. I was able to touch her, which
felt great. Her body was more red than pink, and interestingly enough, sticky. I don't remember
a ton from this visit, sadly, that day being such a blur.
Those next few days were filled with family and friends
visiting, and getting my mind back together. Jon was so
amazing all through this. He helped me so much with
everything, always being there to get something for me, to
help me move, and just being a wonderful, loving man. I've
never felt so close to him before, and I had no doubt of his
love and devotion to me and Annalucia.
I loved going up to visit Annalucia, and I couldn't wait to
be able to hold her. I cried so many times after I had her.
Everything was so overwhelming, I couldn't quite wrap my head
around what happened. I felt cheated out of my pregnancy
experience. I was so happy to meet my baby, but knowing that
she wasn't in me anymore, that I would never reach the third
trimester with her, that I wouldn't be going through the rest
of the summer pregnant, that I wouldn't see her move around
my belly from the outside, was hard to think about. I had to
completely change my expectations around. I knew it would be
months till I'd be able to bring her home, and that felt so
unfair to me, that I wouldn't be able to hold her as much as
I wanted, or bathe her, or put her to sleep in her crib. Not
to mention the fear I had for her now, uncertainty about her
future.
On sunday, they told us we could hold her! I got so nervous.
They brought in a chair that was used for Kangaroo care, and
had me change into a gown. They brought her over to me and
placed her on my chest, and I cried and cried. In a good way.
I finally got to hold my daughter! I felt her squirm around,
and I even sometimes felt her little heart beat. She was
really responding well, her stats went up! I got to hold her
for about 40 minutes. The nurse then said it was time to put
her back, and asked if Jon would like to hold her for a
minute during the transfer. He looked terrified! He got her
in his arms and he looked so amazed and happy. Then it was
time to put her back.
That day I was discharged, so Jon and I drove over to the
Ronald Mcdonald house and got situated there. Once in our
room, we both felt overwhelmed, and couldn't believe we
weren't going to be just an elevator ride away from
Annalucia. I touched my stomach at one point and, for a
second, forgot she wasn't in my belly anymore. I ended up
crying and crying on Jon's shoulder.
The next few days were filled with ups and downs for
Annalucia, as well as for us. We were still trying to adjust
to how different life would be from now on, and were trying
to figure how we'd deal with the separation when Jon would go
back to work.
I will continue adding updates!